Is This All I Am?¶
I look around me. Beer bottles, scraps of paper and electrical goods. Plenty of entertainment value there. So why am I sat here with nothing to do? I could play a computer game or work on my website but I don’t. Any other time if I had uni work to do I would be glad to do it. But I always put it off until the work was done. Which it rarely was. Is my life really based on trying to take my mind off things I don’t want to do. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know where I am going.
Enough of my thoughts on that. Work today was as fun as could be expected. I hate it there. But I like it. It gets me near people. But has this been bad for me?
If I didn’t have a job I wouldn’t be around people. Then I would not miss the people, I would not worry about being alone as I wouldn’t know what I was missing.
I cheer up when people talk to me, but thats really the only time. I need my own space but I want to invite people in. I plan my life to much. I don’t live for the moment. I just look back on this missed oportunities.
What kind of existence do I lead?
I don’t trust anybody anymore. With the possible exception of Heather. They take advantage, push me to my limits and beyond. If this is the present the future looks grim. My pain and anguish are growing within. The time passes by, much of it being lost.
I don’t need anything from life, I don’t have much to give. It’s just that when it’s my time I want to go being remembered for something. No matter how small, even if it means something to only one person. But don’t remember me as I am now. A shell of a man. Tormented inside, confused and pathetic.