The Saturday Epic 3

The day began with a high pitched tone oscillating my eardrums. Swinging my legs out from under the duvet I achieved a sitting position. The offending alarmed device had its operation terminated via an interrupt request to its keypad. I was conscious at last, well sort of. It was time for some mental stimuli. I proceeded to engage the audio visual media centre via the infra-red link. After a brief discharge the cathode ray tube began to charge to operating status. The steadily increasing brightness made me avert my eyes in much the same way as opening the door and finding the sun in direct line of sight. My sitting position could be maintained no longer. My spine relaxed leaving me lying on the bed once more. My eyes began to close, I tried to stop them. I thought I had won only to discover that 20 mins had passed and it was now 5:20am.

The mug of tea was slammed down in front of me as my father brought it in. It sloshed over the side, a dribble making its way down to the base. The dribbled tea left yet another ring on the surface adding to countless beverage dribblings over the years. It was hot, but not too hot to burn. Hot enough to respect its hotness but not demanding as much respect as it would like you to think. It's evil is tea. Turn your back on it and it's waiting to get one up on you.

I relocated my socks onto my feet. The cotton softness giving a warm and fuzzy feeling. The news was on, it detailed how the PM is forcing the European way on the Brits. Blair gives the Iraqis a vote on their future, we don't get one. Time was dragging on, my trousers were on and after a brief reorganisation of the contained furniture they were comfortable. T-Shirt next, my ears flopping back into place as the collar passed over them.

I completed readying myself for the day ahead. Stuffing my pockets full of the usual required Saturday survival equipment I ventured out the door. The old man, operating the vehicle engaged the road and voyaged to Somerfield, the land of plenty.

A crowd had arrived at the front of the store, 4 in all including me. A figure trundled across the tarmac towards us. Small in the distance Diane was also small up close. Still it was she who had the keys. She remarked how alive we all were considering it was "practically the middle of the night". It brought a slight smile to my otherwise plain face.

As usual the news papers were outside the store. The Sun, as I have come to expect it now, was wrapped in its narrow and weak plastic strips. It's always a worry when you pick it up, you fear the papers descending as you force them to ascend. The plastic strips are nasty, you find this out when they start to dig into your hand and cut of circulation. This is not a pleasant feeling and leaves the hand with tingling and numbness.

The trolleys were taken from their evening resting place and exposed to the morning sun. I'm sure somebody has the idea that they will grow better outside. Quite who this mad person is I don't know but they need their logic evaluating.

I completed my scribble to announce my attendance that day and went to fill my locker with my wallet and phone. It was whilst I was close to the floor, with my locker, that i noticed movement. The floor moved!!! Well actually it didn't. What I mean to say is that it appeared to move. This was down to a large colony of ants scurrying about the place in search of something better than a gap between two concrete slabs. Larry, the fattest ant, came to an untimely end. Whilst Larry was enjoying a moment of braveness away from the edging strip of the cupboard unit, my foot happened to descend. Larry not being the speediest of creatures didn't manage to remove himself from the path of impending doom. This resulted in Larry becoming significantly wider whilst rapidly decreasing in height. Poor Larry.

To prepare myself for my daily tasks I took a peek at the third page of the Sun from the previous day. A shapely female form took up most of the page. A remark entered my head "I defiantly would", further explanation of this is not needed as I am male and that’s the way we work.

It was now time for Radish to implement some sort of meaning to his existence by telling me the state of things. For once in quite a few weeks now I could avoid Bread and Dairy and concentrate on the warehouse. Before attempting to dive into the middle of the chaotic mess I surveyed the battle field. A considerable quantity of promotional items had gathered together. So huge the gathering one might call it an excess. Infact somebody did. This resulted in a latter activity on the project timeline which I will describe later if I recall the fact I am meant to be describing it.

After a short session of repositioning strategic positions I was ready to begin the fight. The general sounded the battle cry. This was actually one of the tills which insisted on bleeping at me as soon as i got into close proximity of it. I took my 6 wheeled battle craft and proudly strode to kill the cereals.

The corpses of Kellogg’s and Nestle were spread on the surface of the battle craft. The odd one still fighting for life jumping off to try and attempt a feeble escape. I piloted it out to a mass grave. Each group being stuffed into vertical metal coffins. It was a glorious victory. I was victorious again when I fought the Beverages and home baking.

Rajiv however did not battle hard. He was happier maintaining the defences on the front line. What more can I say, him being a lover of spicy food, the fire does not burn inside him. Pity.

The delivery came and went, this week the driver was a sombre fellow hardly uttering a word. The only form of communication from him was his rejection of a couple of card cages due to an excess amount of plastic on them. Well he has to be capable of something other than driving and I suppose his standing up for his principles on this occasion was it. They will get taken away by another less fussy driver another day.

The day was passing slowly and it was forever before it was time for my morning nutritional session. In my usual predictable way I purchased my Sausage and Egg sandwich. Bec was in her usual cheerful mood and promptly requested payment before I could snap my hand into pocket to retrieve my wallet. I know tries to keep the kiosk tidy but the lack of plastic carrier bags to place my goods in wasn't acceptable. I would have pointed it out but my life is slightly more meaningful and it wasn't on my mind for more than a few nano seconds.

Whilst consuming my sandwich I noted the increased ant activity. The death of Larry had obviously caused some instability in the colony. From what I could tell most of the ants in the local area had attended. They were staying close to the cupboards now. Larry had proven that he had not been a wise ant.

The middle part of my day was quite uneventful. Andy Hartle managed to irritate me slightly by announcing that the warehouse should have been worked by 12. This was news to me. I had been taking things steady for once and this sudden change in my planned timeline did not please me in the slightest. One thing that Andy finds it difficult to comprehend is the way people actually approach work and how they themselves organise it. Still what can you expect from someone with such a simple mind.

John arrived at 12 to take over the session. Within an hour or two he had managed to condense down much of the promotion stock. Suddenly with the lack of a few cages the floor became visible again. I mentioned before about excess stock. It appears that the wonderful people at the depot have once again fucked it up big time. So BIG infact that we seem to have twice as much promotion stock as we should have. Oddly enough John didn't get on my nerves today. Shocking.

Lunch consisted of Sticky Pork and Rice, which had been reduced, and a sausage roll which had also been reduced. The sticky pork dish was rather good and I am inclined to sample its delights again on some other Saturday. Hollie was again absent today and I had to suffer the security guard again during my lunch. I'm sure he said he had bought or was planning on buying something. I just switched off and carried on existing in my own space time continuum. On the plus side, a supply of dohnuts were made available for free. Ignoring my diet plans I consumed a whole pack (5). They were rather nice too. I would rate them better than the usual somerfield dohnut offering.

I could go into more detail about the rest of the day but I have been typing for ages now.

Andy P made his usual appearance but didn’t feature much in the way of things regarding degrees of eventfulness. Like right now I was getting fed up and it was time to be going. I wandered into the canteen after allocating my incomplete tasks to Andy.

It was in the canteen that I had the pleasure of seeing Heather. She was wanting to know about the typing duration of last weeks epic. Well it didn't take as long as this weeks I can tell you. I decided that it would be inappropriate to worship her in the SPECIAL way at that particular time. So I made my excuses and came home to type up my epic.

Thoughts for today:
1. How can Bec stay so cheerful for so long?
2. How many free dohnuts did the security guard eat?
3. How will the end of Larry affect the other ants?
4. Where did all the ants come from?
5. When will Andy H learn to keep his project management skills away from me?
6. Can I do more with my Saturday night other than writing this?
7. Who bought all the 1.5L bottles of Grolsch?
8. Why is Alec leaving for a new job?
9. Why was the delivery driver so miserable about excess plastic?
10. Will Tony Blair visit Somerfield so I can tell him what a fuckup he is?

6 Replies to “The Saturday Epic 3”

  1. Not bad Tunk, the amount of detail that went into it almost made it amusing, sadly you just failed, i dont know, you didnt have the cheeky rogueness required.

    And OI, Tony Blair is the daddy, admittedly hes far from being a Winston Churchill, but hes the daddy nonetheless.

  2. Sorry for the lack of cheeky rougeness. Blair is not the daddy. He is a wet flannel, a lap dog. He does what he is told. He is corrupting this country. He knows he wont get re-elected so is making sure the damage is done first.

  3. I think the security guard had 3 packs of those doughnuts, and I was lucky enough to have the differences between the free doughnuts and the somerfield ones explained to me, apparently the jam in the free ones is far more smooth and nothing like the chewey red substance in the middle of the somerfield ones…..

    There, you are all enlightened, I hope your day is far better now knowing this.

  4. How can it not be andy, how can it not?!

    And Blairs the daddy, he aint no lap dog, more of a guide dog…. you’ll see tunk, then you’ll be eating your works like the fickle arse fisting fetishist you are!

  5. Oh and the answers to 1 and 7 on your list are:- my penis, and me, respectively

  6. 1. How can Bec stay so cheerful for so long?
    Shes actually a robot, programmed to be cheerful to stop people at somerfield dying of boredom. Lol er no shes just a bubbly kind of girl!

    2. How many free dohnuts did the security guard eat?
    As many as he possibly could, because his mother isnt REALLY a millionaire and he has no more money to spend than the rest of us.

    3. How will the end of Larry affect the other ants?
    Tunk.. naming ants *shakes head*

    4. Where did all the ants come from?
    One day an ant ventured into the canteen, saw what such an unhegienic place it is and told the whole ant population about this ‘paradise’.

    5. When will Andy H learn to keep his project management skills away from me?
    When you tell him to.

    6. Can I do more with my Saturday night other than writing this?
    Im sure you can!

    7. Who bought all the 1.5L bottles of Grolsch?
    what?

    8. Why is Alec leaving for a new job?
    Hes going away to university… duh

    9. Why was the delivery driver so miserable about excess plastic?
    Errr because he does the same thing day in day out and small things begin to annoy him.

    10. Will Tony Blair visit Somerfield so I can tell him what a fuckup he is?
    How unlikely

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